Homeschoolzilla Takes On… a Poop Bag and a Prayer

It started when, as usual, I had gone over 10 days without pooping—while trying to homeschool, run a house, and not lose my mind! I called every doctor I had ever seen, trying to get advice or some kind of help. They just took turns suggesting things I already tried. It was miralax, senna, enemas and magnesium citrate, gross! I started feeling different, scared, very scared. I called an ambulance and they got me to the hospital quickly. I don't remember anything after that.  

I was dreaming that I was on a hospital airplane with the Welsh Brothers keeping my spirits up and Dr. Mike tending to my ills. I was so sure that I heard the King of England, with Harry and Megan too. I should have suspected something was up at this part!

They told my husband that, it was a 50/50 chance to wake up and my chances went down the longer I was in a coma.10 days I was in a coma. That's when the panic started. I had sepsis and it went through the blood brain barrier. My bowl had perforated and dumped all it's contents in my abdomen. After one surgery, I wasn't responding well, so my husband ok’ed another surgery to clean up some more.  

The next thing I know I opened my eyes and saw this very friendly nurse fussing with something plugged into me. They started right in on the questions. Do you know where you are? Do you know who the President is? I said that I did and it made me want to go back to sleep and forget. They asked me what day it was. I said July 5. They said, very gently, that it was July 15. It was my 12th wedding anniversary. They seemed so happy. Everything was ok till I looked down at my body. There was a bag stuck to me like one of those remoras on sharks. 

I didn't recognize it as a colostomy bag. I'd never seen one before. 

My only ostomy experience was more than 10 years ago at a friend's house. She said that I shouldn't mention it, but that the friend was going to join us had a colostomy bag, so he ALWAYS STINKS! I left that meeting with one thing, firmly planted in my brain for another day, colostomy bags make you disgusting. 

When I got my bag, I also had a large wound, from the infection. The 2 holes were too close together for the bag to take hold of the skin around it. It constantly leaked. It did smell bad. It did. But I found out that almost every worry would be healed in time. Not back to normal, a new normal. 

I feel like I need to let you in on why it was so hard to get with the program. I'm extremely modest. When I had kids, I read them the book, “Everybody Poops”, I put in, except Mom. They genuinely believed it and it wasn't hard. I kept that so private, my husband of 12 years, didn't see me go to the bathroom, ever. 

All of a sudden my husband, who I was so passionate with, was changing my poop bags and generally fell asleep, not knowing if he would sleep 7 hours or 20 minutes before the bag leaked and he had to help his wife. He was, and is, a saint (about this one thing, lol) never complaining. He was just say, I'm just glad you are here with me. I think he got all the way shook up and wound up just loving me more than he did before. 

One day my husband was going to change my bag and he forgot the first rule of changing a boys diaper. Keep it covered. All of a sudden a fountain of poo 2 feet into the air. It legitimately looked like we struck oil. It was almost funny at the time. Now I can see the ridiculousness of all of it and just do my best. 

After 2 months, my gut started not working the way it was suppose to do I went back to the hospital and they did a reversal of the first surgery. (If you are keeping track, yes, it was too soon.)

After a week, I was back in the hospital, just like the first time, minus the sepsis and coma. I had to have the bag put back on. I was beyond devastated. They told me at the beginning that it was smooth 50/50 if I ever got the bag reversal surgery again. I will go back in a few minutes to find out if I'm eligible for that surgery. 

So now, I'm living the ostomy life. 

My first time to leave home, I went grocery shopping. I was pooped (no pun intended) after 2 or 3 isles. I stepped up to pay and dropped my credit card. I bent over to pick it up and the bag sounded off. Now, sounding off just happens. I was 8 shades of red! I turned around slowly and there was a man right behind me. I was mortified. 

I didn't leave home for a while. 

Before my surgeries, I was a college student at PSU and working toward becoming a pastor. I was also homeschooling my kid—because why not juggle it all, right? Everything just stalled. I didn't see how I could function in this new life. 

One day in church I realized that if we believe that God truly has a plan for each of us, I better quit feeling sorry for myself. I have this bag for some reason. I don't understand what it is yet, but I believe there is a plan. These days, I go with the flow more, never with too much judgement or negativity. The old expectations are gone, and the new ones are softer, gentler, and honestly... better. We learn together, with more grace and a lot more fart jokes. That’s real education, right?

I have learned a lot admit how to do my life again from Facebook groups. Yes, Facebook can be a force for good! 

I can't say that my bag doesn't sound off at the most horrible and embarrassing times. But, I found out that most people just don't care that much. 

If I'm preaching and it says hello, my friends and family know that I'm already feeling bad and they don't give me grief. I can see a day, in the future, where it all will funny. Not today, but soon. 

I'm gonna make this look good! At least that's what gets me through the day right now. I am granting grace to others and myself. So yeah, Homeschoolzilla got a colostomy bag and lived to tell the tale. Guess I’m taking on more than just curriculum and chaos these days.

Next Week: Homeschoolzilla is gonna be examining the calling to preach and how it effects my, Wiccan, Atheist, Mormon family. Should be interesting!